Why People Act Too Passively

• Lack of confidence or value of their opinions
• Timid
• Worry about pleasing others or being liked
• Worry whether others will disagree or reject their ideas and opinion. They feel insecure
• Sensitive to criticism or hurt by past experiences when ideas were ignored or rejected

Why People Act Too Aggressively

• Overconfident or superior feeling – focusing too much on getting their needs met and their opinions across
• Not respect or consider other people’s views or needs
• Poor listening skills or how to ask for input from others
• Use “you” statements, accusations, subjective terms
• Used to control belligerent individual; otherwise inappropriate within a professional setting

How To Act Assertively (Just Right)

• Self-confidence
• Believe in your opinions, ideas or feelings count & matter -have the right to express yourself
• Resilient – able to deal effectively with criticism, rejection, setbacks
• Respect the preferences and needs of others
• Have role models for assertiveness
• Know your ideas were welcomed as your assertiveness was rewarded in the past

Be Less Aggressive & More Assertive

• Let others speak first
• Notice if you have a habit of interrupting others. Catch yourself saying, “Oh, sorry – go ahead!” and let the other person finish speaking
• Ask for someone else’s opinion, then listen to their answers
• When you disagree, say so without putting down other person’s point of view. Don’t say, “That’s a stupid idea”. Say, “I don’t really like that idea”
• Don’t say “He’s such a jerk”. Say “I think he’s insensitive”
• Give your own opinion or point of view. For example, say whether or not you like a movie or a particular food and be able to explain why
• Practice using “I” statements for example “I’d like…”
• “I prefer…” or “I feel…”
• Remind yourself that your ideas & opinions are as important as everyone else’s. Knowing this helps you be more assertive
• Assertiveness starts with self
• Value yourself as much as you value others
• Find a role model who’s good at being assertive – See if you can imitate and follow that person’s best qualities

Be Less Passive & More Assertive

• Pay attention to what you think, feel, want, prefer – be fully aware before you communicate them to others
• Notice if you tend to say, “I don’t know”, “I don’t care”, “It doesn’t matter” when someone asks what you want or they ask for your opinion. Stop yourself from saying the above standard responses of a passive communicator
• Practice first by saying what you would prefer, especially on things that hardly matter. Then when the important things pop up in your life, you will be able to more confidently express your opinions or suggestions
• If someone asks, “Would you like green or red?” learn to say, “I’d prefer the green one – thanks”. Learn to state your preference
• Practice asking for things
• “Can you please pass me a spoon?”, “I need a pen – does anyone have an extra?”, “Can you save me a seat?”. In this way, you build the habit of asking when you don’t know or unsure about something. This practice of asking helps you to build your skills and confidence for when you need to ask for something more important